So Thanksgiving has come and gone...and now it is officially the Christmas Season. A strange feeling that I am already ready for it to be over with and it has just begun. The past few days I have had a very heavy heart and just kind of been lost and going through the motions.
Thanksgiving was strange. We ate dinner at my parents' house...a little too weird to just call it my Dad's house still. Andy drove in and had dinner with us. I had been dreading the day since my Mom's death. Holidays have always been hard since Cory died and this year was just tougher and even more different than previous years. All day I just kept thinking "Where is she?" Where is my Mom? She should be here making dessert and placing things on the table. Just the little things that she always did...made me miss her even more. I came to realize this is how it is now and I have to accept it, but I do not want to. I really honestly do not want to and I need her here with us.
Friday and Saturday were filled with one of my best friend's wedding festivities. Brandi's wedding was on Saturday. I was very happy for her, but just like her I was not happy about the cold and wet weather. Her wedding was an outdoor wedding and reception. I thought I would be fine during it, but I was not prepared for all the emotions and memories I felt. Getting ready that day, seeing all the family, and just the general wedding stuff made me think of our wedding. It made me remember the talk my Mom and I had before I got married. It made me remember what a special time we had together planning it, laughing about it and enjoying the day. How much my Mom gave to me emotionally and physically that day. How unconditionally she gave to our family on so many occasions. My Mom and I had talked about Brandi's wedding as she had been planning it for a while and I was a bridesmaid. My Mom was suppose to attend the wedding as well....again, I kept looking for her wondering, "where is she?" It was a much harder day than anticipated. It was just one more event that she was suppose to be at with me.
Drained after Thanksgiving and the wedding weekend....my heart just aches and misses her more than I know how to explain. It is hard. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of having the lost incomplete feeling. That feeling of huge void in my life. I want the part of my heart back that died the day my mom did.
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like i have said so many times, i wish i could take your pain away. i still miss my daddy. sometimes the grief and loss washes over me. you will never get over it. i know. so many times we have said, "daddy would have loved this". it all shows how much you love her. hang in there. know you are loved by so many and we are all here for you to talk, to cry, or just to be silent together.
i love you so much. jan
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